


Don't Tell Me You Love Me Just To Leave Me

by bekahxx27



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Crying Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Declarations Of Love, Hopeful Ending, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not really a fix it just a add on, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Sad, Sam Winchester Knows, holy I can't believe its canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:40:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27523204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bekahxx27/pseuds/bekahxx27
Summary: Set right after the events of 15x18. Dean deals with the aftermath and his feelings for Castiel
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 45





	Don't Tell Me You Love Me Just To Leave Me

“It was Chuck, all along. We never should have left Sam and Jack, we should be there with them now.” Dean says, feeling defeated. If he never decided to go after death and finish her off they wouldn't be in this situation. Now because of him she's going to kill him AND Cas. 

Death bangs on the door, trying to get through the warding Cas put up.

“Everybodys gonna die, Cas, everybody. I can't stop it.” he looks at Cas apologetically, there's no way out, he knows that. This one time they won't be able to outrun death. 

Death keeps banging on the door

“She's gonna get through that door.”

“I know.”

“And she's gonna kill you and then she's gonna kill me. Im sorry.” a look of realization suddenly crosses Cas’ face.

“Wait there is...there's one thing she's afraid of, there's one thing strong enough to stop her.” Cas says “When Jack was dying, I-I made a deal, to save him.” What? 

“You what?”

“The-the price was my life, when I experienced a moment of true happiness the empty would be summoned and it would take me forever.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” he asks. 

“I always wondered ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be. What- what my true happiness could even look like, and I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have.

Death bangs again, she's getting through.

“But I think I know, I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having, it's in just being, it's in just saying it.”

“What are you talking about man?” How the hell can Cas experience a moment of true happiness here, stuck in the basement, about to die. 

“I know, I know how you see yourself Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you, you are destructive and you're angry and you're broken, you're daddy's blunt instrument. And you think that hate and anger, thats-thats what drives you that's who you are. It's not, and everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love, that is who you are.'' Dean stands there, not processing what's happening, not believing a word Cas says, he knows he’s a shitty person and doesn't know why Cas is trying to make him feel better now. Why is he even saying this now? 

Death bangs again, he can feel his panic rising as the situation escalates, he can see if on Cas’ face as well, mixed with something else that he can't quite place.

“You're the most caring man on earth, you are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.” No

The banging is getting louder.

“You know ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared, I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack. But I cared about the whole world because of you.” Dean can't do anything more than stand there, still not processing what Cas is saying, he can see the tears in his eyes, and feels a familiar stinging sensation behind his eyes. He hates how final this sounds, like he's never going to see him again. He just stares at him, trying to take in everything he’s saying with so much going on around them.

The banging gets louder, she's almost through.

“You changed me Dean.” he swallows a lump in his throat “Why does this sound like a goodbye?” he manages to say.

The banging intensifies, they both know the warding is going to come down any second now, but he doesn't care, the only thing he cares about at the moment is Castiel.

“Because it is. I love you.” his mind feels like he’s spinning, he doesn't even know what's happening. Why is he saying this now? Why say this now, when he’s just going to leave him?

“Don't do this Cas.” he pleads, tears pool in his eyes, but he doesnt let them fall. He can't let them fall. He hears a bubbling sound behind him and turns, seeing the empty opening up. He quickly turns back to Cas, suddenly it feels like he has so much to say, but doesnt know how to. He knows what's going to happen, he wants to say something, he wants to say something, he wants to say something. But he can't get it out.

The door suddenly flies opening, revealing an angry Billie. Please no, this can't be happening now.

“Cas.” he manages to choke desperately, that's not what he wanted to say, he needs time, Cas can't leave him now, please don't leave me, he thinks. Don't tell me you love me just to leave me. 

Cas puts his hand on his shoulder “Goodbye Dean.” No this can't be happening, not now, not after he said all that, “Wha-” and before he can really process what's happening Cas is pushing him into the wall with the opposite hand, he hits the wall quickly but not too harshly, and sits up right away, trying to get up to get to Cas. Cas just smiles at him happily, tears in his eyes, before he has a chance to do anything, the empty reaches out and wraps itself around Cas, and he just watches helplessly, unable to do anything. The empty also reaches out and grabs Bille, but he doesn't care about Billie. 

As the empty fully wraps around Cas, he sees a look of pure content on his face. Dean just sits there in shock, frozen, it's almost like time slows down around him, but he’s stuck in place as the empty finally swallows Cas up, and pulls him into the empty, Billie being dragged in right after.

Eerie silence follows, the room which was just a few seconds ago filled with noise and panic is now soundless. The only thing Dean can hear is the sound of his own pounding heartbeat, only now realizing how fast it's beating. He sits there, staring at where Cas just was, now there's no trace Cas was even there besides the door Billie broke down.

He takes a sharp shaky breath in, finally having time to process what's happening. This was his fault, if he hadn't been reckless and went after Billie then Cas would still be here, he wouldn't have had to summon the empty because of Dean's stupidity and they would both be with Sam and Jack, alive. 

What Cas said to him plays over and over in his head  _ ‘The one thing I want, is something I know I can't have.’  _

_ ‘You changed me Dean.’ _

‘ _ I love you.’ _

Cas loves...loved him, he wanted him. In a way more than friends. 

And he just stood there unresponsive, barely able to get out any words. While Cas poured his heart out to him, and then died for him. He couldn't save him like he saves everyone else, he failed him. Cas went on and on about what a great person Dean is, but he knows its not true, if it were true he wouldnt have got Cas killed just for his stupid revenge.

He feels his hand vibrating and looks down at his phone, he doesn't even remember pulling it out, but he sees Sam is calling him, probably to ask how it went. He looks around, absorbing the absence of Cas, his best friend, his…

He drops the phone, not having the energy to answer it, and puts his head in his hands, finally letting the tears fall. His soft sobs echoing through the room, reminding him how very alone he is. 

~~

That's how Sam finds him. 

Sam and Jack run through the entrance of the bunker hoping to find Dean and Castiel. They've called them both around 20 times, going unanswered every time. They are expecting the worst, neither of them there, having been killed off by Chuck just like everyone else.

“Dean! Cas!” Sam yells, Jack echoing him. They run through the hallways, finally coming across the room with the blown down door, he sees blood on the floor, and that's his first alarming sign. The next is when he walks in, Jack on his heels, and sees Dean crouched in the corner, no sight of Castiel.

He slowly walks forward “Dean?” he asks hesantently, getting closer he notices a bloody handprint on his shoulder and the alarm bells that were ringing in his head suddenly start blaring. Something is definitely wrong. He looks around and sees no sight of Cas, he looks at Jack and sees confusion. Sam crouches down to dean level and puts a hand on his wrist “Dean?” he asks carefully, Dean lifts his head up, face void of emotions. His face is tear stained and his eyes are bloodshot, so he’s obviously been crying. “Where's Cas?” Jack asks, and by the look on Dean's face, Sam knows something is wrong.

Dean stands up quickly avoiding eye contact “Gone.” he says and heads towards the door. “What do you mean gone?” Jack asks innocently, and Sam knows, just by looking at Dean, he knows Cas is dead. 

Dean walks out of the room, Sam and Jack following close behind. They both stay silent waiting for Dean to answer. He walks into the kitchen, opening the fridge and grabbing a beer “Where is Castiel?” Jack asks panicked. 

“Dead.” Dean says, voice slightly shaking. Sam can tell that it's taking everything Dean has not to lose it right now. 

“What? How? Did Billie take him too?” Jack asks. 

Dean's face crumbles for a split second, then he seems to put his mask back on “Turns out it wasn't Billie, it was Chuck all along. And Billie was already dying, so I went after her for nothing.” He takes another mouthful of beer “She was going to kill us, so Cas summoned the empty, and it took them both.”

“How did he summon-”

“The deal.” Jack concludes, both Dean and Sam turn to look at him. “Deal?” Sam asks.

“You knew?” Dean asks, anger laced in his voice.

“I was there, I saw it happen.” he turns to Sam to explain, since he’s the only one who doesn't know about it. “When I died, the empty wanted to take me, but Cas made a deal to save my life. The deal was the empty would take him forever when he experienced a moment of true happiness. But he said I didn't have to worry, that it wouldn't happen for a long time. How could he have experienced true happiness while Billie was trying to kill him?” 

Dean slams his beer on the table in frustration “Why didn't you tell us?! You didn't think this was something we should know?!” 

“I- he told me not to tell anyone. I wasn't going to break that promise.” Jack responds softly.

“Well now he’s dead and he’s not coming back! All because of that stupid deal.” Dean exclaims.

Sam knows he’s just taking his anger out of Jack and he’s not actually mad at him. Knowing about the deal wouldn't have done anything. “Dean-”

“No Sam, I lost Cas because he thought I was worth giving up his life for.” his voice wobbles like he’s trying not to cry.

“You're not the only one who lost him, we all did.” Jack says, on the verge of tears. Cas was basically his father after all. Well, they all are but Cas has been taking care of him since before he was even born.

“It's not the same.” Dean says and gets up, grabbing his beer and heading to his room. Sam sighs “He’s not angry at you, he’s just projecting it on to you.” He tells Jack, trying to make him feel better about Dean yelling at him. Jack just nods and heads to his room.

Sam recognizes the way Dean’s acting, the same way he is from losing Eileen. Not letting himself go, because if he does then he’ll lose his mind. He’s suppressing it all and projecting onto others like he usually does, not letting himself feel.

They have lost Cas many times, and he’s come back. But this time there is something different about the way Dean is acting, the anger and sadness is still there, but there's something else Sam can't quite discern. He also doesn't understand how Cas summoned the empty if he had to be truly happy, It was just him and….Dean.

Oh

Oh shit 

_ ‘It's not the same.’  _

No, it's not the same. He and Jack didn't lose Cas the same way Dean did. Sams not an idiot, he knows there was something unspoken going on between his brother and the angel. With the amout of eye fucking he’s witnessed and almost constantly feeling like he’s interrupting something intimate when he entered a room they were in. 

He’s mentioned to Dean while they were at Garth's, how Cas looks at him weird, because does. But not ‘weird’ per se, just different then he would look at everyone else. When Cas looked at Dean he had pure admiration in his eyes, like he hung the stars. And Dean, while not as open with it, he wasn't always subtle. Sam remembers the way Dean looked at Cas after he cleaned up from getting back from purgatory. Not to mention that they act like an old married couple and like all their fights are breakups. 

So he kind of suspected Dean had feelings for Cas, but he never questioned him about it, it wasn't his business and he didn't want to push. He figured Dean would figure it out eventually, he just didn't think it would be this long, but Dean does love suppressing things. And if it were up to him he will suppress his feelings forever, or until he breaks.

They are so obvious to everyone except each other, other people have mentioned their relationship joking about them being together or something along that line. Something had to have changed in their relationship to make Cas truly happy, it's the only thing Sam can think of that makes since considering the circumstances.

~~

Dean stands in the bathroom, looking at his reflection in the mirror. He turns to the side, spotting the bloody handprint on his shoulder, right where the real one Cas gave him all these years ago was. It has since faded, but he can remember what it looked like as clear as day. When he gripped him tight and raised him from perdition. It started with a touch and ended with the same one.

_ ‘The very touch of you corrupts!’ _ He remembers being told years ago, and she was right. Castiel died because of his feeling for him, he ruined him like he ruins everything he touches. Dean doesn't deserve Cas’ love, not if it's what got him killed.

His silence while Cas confessed will probably haunt him forever, he cant stop thinking about it. He should have said something, why didn't he say anything?

Because he didn't say anything Cas will never know what Dean truly thinks of him, how he truly feels. A single tear rolls down his cheek. 

Dean has been suppressing his feelings for years that by now it's just become the normal for him, he never let himself feel. Suppressing everything was a way to cope with everything in his life and it started way before he met Cas. And because of this he never let himself fully feel for Cas. He knew the feelings were there, with his elevated heartbeat whenever he would make eye contact with Cas for too long, or the lingering touches and stares when he thought no one was looking. The way whenever Cas entered the room it seemed to brighten and when ever he would say his name he would get all tingly inside. He wishes he could have recognized it sooner.

By now he’s full on crying, but he doesn't care because there's no one here to witness it. “Cas.” he whispers into the emptiness “Cas I know you probably can't hear me, but I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry, I really am. You shouldn't have died for me, I don't deserve it. I've treated you like shit so many times and I don't know what i've done to make you think I deserve your love, but I don't.” he sobs.

“I'm sorry I just stood there while you told me, I wish I could go back and say something, go back and tell you that you changed me too. You made me feel something I thought I was incapable of, you made me have hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for me besides hell fire. And it scared me, it scared me so much that I pushed it away, I pushed it so far down hoping it would go away because of fear. And I even pushed you away too. But now because of that fear you died without hearing how I really feel about you.” he lets in a shaky breath.

“I love you, Cas. And I have for a long time, I just wish I didn't waste all my time trying to push it away because then maybe- then maybe things would have turned out differently and you’d still be here. I just want you to know that you were wrong, that you can have what you want. If you're still sure you want me. Because I will find a way to get you back, even if it kills me. After all you raised me from perdition once years ago, it's only fair I return the favour.” He laughs a broken laugh at the end and lays his hand over Castiel’s handprint, blinking tears out of his eyes. 

‘Anyways, you probably can't hear me from where you are. But just know, I love you.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


And somewhere deep down in the empty, a certain blue eyed angel listens, and whispers back “I love you too.”

  
  



End file.
